21st Century flying blue-lounge equipped with mind-stamp,
brainwave decryption and analysis and in-flight behavior monitors
[Pre-flight waver granting permission to terminate in case of behavior violations required]
Get set for more changes. Now airport security will be screening for "involuntary physical and physiological signs of 'stress, fear or deception'" at airports around the country.
I guess that means Richard Cheney can no longer fly.
Don't ask how these new "Behavior Detection Officers" will know the difference between what is standing there impatiently before them, anxious to get on a plane, and what they are projecting about "that arrogant bitch in designer glasses."
Whatever you do, don't act your goofy self and don't give them the "tabula rosa" of a blank stare to work with either; who knows what they will project.
It's getting so that in order to fly, vote or go to the grocery store, Big Brother will demand that we all display that ersatz look of blase middle class torpor that has become so distinctly American -- that conservative nonthreatening look of the "right-wing authoritarian follower," aka, sheep nodding in their pews.
Just remember, "If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about." Just wait till they start guessing about what your thinking.
TSA ramps up program to psychologically screen airline passengers
Nick Langewis and David Edwards
Published: Tuesday July 29, 2008
In addition to having your bags scanned, taking off your shoes and emptying your pockets on the way to your plane, prepare to have an on-the-spot psychoanalysis as well.
The TSA is in the process of training "behavior detection officers" to seek out involuntary physical and physiological signs of "stress, fear or deception" among air passengers to help determine who to subject to additional screening at airport security checkpoints.
SPOT, short for the Screening Passengers by Observation Technique, has so far been tested in major airports such as Boston, Providence, and Minneapolis-St. Paul. In addition, the Los Angeles Times reported, a "handful" of airports were added last December.
"There are certain thresholds that this individual needs to meet in our behavioral detection program," TSA spokesperson Andrea McCauley told KXAN. "We don't just see someone who is nervous and pull them over to talk with them."
Another TSA spokesperson, Jennifer Peppin, told the Los Angeles Times that SPOT has helped catch drug smugglers and people holding fake passports. "Have we caught actual terrorists? That remains to be seen," she said. Caroline Fredrickson of the ACLU, however, worries of profiling, adding that the program sets "a very dangerous precedent" in trying to train TSA screeners to be "behavioral scientists."
"Cultural sensitivity" is part of the week-long training regimen, the TSA insisted.
Here's a little advice [satire] for TSA officers in training from Larry the TSA Guy:
(1) WORD ASSOCIATION
[This one's guaranteed to create a seat when you need to bump someone for a friend or dignitary; I use this one all the time.]
"Let's play a little word association game, shall we?"
"When I say a word, you tell me the first word that comes into your mind without hesitation."
"Okay, are we ready?"
[If they say "Cheney" you arrest them on the spot; If they say anything else you can probably bump them on "questionable morals" or for creating a disturbance.]
(2) THE ROCHART INKBLOT TEST
[You take a piece of paper and fold it in half. Open the paper and pour a little India ink right in the center of the page on the crease. Then you fold the paper back in half so that when you open it again you have identically mirrored images on both sides of the crease.]
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to administer a little test. Don't worry, it's just a security precaution." [then you open the paper]
"Can you tell me what this image reminds you of?"
"Yes, yes, I know it looks a little abstract but that's the whole point. Go'head. Tell me what it looks like to you."
[Any response whatsoever probably represents "hidden aggression" towards you and the authority you have as a TSA officer to delay them or keep them off their flight. Therefore, you have "just cause" to arrest the passenger, confiscate her designer sunglasses and you don't even have to worry about "constitutional due process" anymore. Pretty neat, eh!]
--Larry the TSA guy* * *